Feed the Right Wolf

I know, can you believe that's what I named my new journal too? Freaky, right?

Well it's symbolic. "Renaissance" is the Latin word for rebirth. Just like Europe came out of the dark ages with the renaissance, I'll come out of my own "dark" ages henceforth. I started a new journal cause this is really like a new beginning. I'm sorry, FTrW if that's wrong. I like to start on blank sheets of paper when I start fresh. I don't like continuing on my old posts with the air of negativity and relapse. New post for a new time.

The gloves are off guys. I'm going to ask each and everyone one of you for help. The addiction is hard to get over. Hahah. Come one, I'm sure we can laugh at that. That was an understatement. A complete understatement... But like I said, the gloves are off. My web filter is off. I burned it in a virtual fire. I'm exposed again and facing the problem head on.

I realize now I only got the filter to hide behind it like a lazy coward. I wanted to stop my addiction, but I didn't want to put any effort into stopping. Something, as I'm sure we all know, just doesn't work. Especially in light of it being "really hard to overcome." Right?

I'm starting over now and i'm going to actually go through and learn EVERYTHING I can to help and prepare myself. I'm going to practice and learn all the good healthy things I need to do. I'm going to ask questions. I'm going to fight back. Just a few hours ago I felt helpless. I felt like I'd never break free, like I was doomed to be that creepy old guy who's rejected by society because he can't stop watching porn and masturbating as it governs his life. Psh. no. that's not me. I'm not going to allow myself to be there. I'm above that. I'm above this horrible monster.

I realized something earlier. Yes, I'm addicted. But that doesn't give me the right or the justification for being an addict! What I mean is - yes, we admit we are hooked on certain behaviors or practices, that it creates in us a certain chemical response that we have in many ways become dependent on. We crave it, we desire it. But that's not an excuse. That is NOT justification for viewing porn, or acting out. What I realized is that we are NOT sitting in our chairs, or on our couches, or in bed - held at gunpoint, told to watch porn or risk getting shot in the head and killed. No one is threatening to murder me unless I binge on porn or something. I HAVE the option, the free will to choose not to watch it. I CAN stop it. The fact that I'm an addict simply means the choice to stop, the actual action of stopping - is intensely difficult for me.

What I've noticed is that so many of us get caught up in this title "addict" and almost relax in its name. We almost use the fact that we're addicted as justification for watching more porn! When really - we should be doing the opposite. It's ironic.

Still, that doesn't mean to me that I am undeniably, completely, and utterly responsible for EVERY action I take that brings me back into porn. There IS a level of - gosh, that stuff IS designed to bring us back for more - gosh, our brains are explicitly wired for sex - gosh, sexual perversion IS everywhere, and porn is now more accessible than ever in any time period. We are at many times fighting an uphill battle where it seems that many forces converge on us at once, be it depression, anger, tiredness, etc. As well at the actual triggering event - that one thought that makes you really curious, that one picture or add that somehow popped out of nowhere, that one accidental click that sometimes decides the fate of your day; whether you relapse or not.

So there IS an aspect of helplessness to an extent. I would never yell at any of you guys for being "horrible people" or "selfish" (although there is an aspect of selfishness,) or "indecent." Maybe at one time you had a choice, but you made the wrong one and then became addicted. Either way, you're addicted now, and you're held accountable. But all of this being said, I feel that we addicts deserve, in fact, have the right to some level of forgiveness from out loved ones and the one's we've hurt, as this is possibly the most absolutely difficult undertaking we've ever gone through. I know, for a fact, that this is the most difficult thing I've ever tried to do, to stop porn. But heck, I'm 17, how many other difficult things besides really hard exams have I done. Difficult video game levels don't count.

So we need some forgiveness, especially from those, like our partners who don't understand what we're going through. My girlfriend explicitly said she hated porn, and didn't see the big deal in it. She has full control. Sure, at one time she did turn to it in the heat of her big depression, but she stopped without trouble. Without second thinking it. She can't possibly even begin to understand a portion of what porn is like for me or how difficult it is to resist - at 1AM, 2AM, completely alone, in the dark, with full internet access. The stuff is a drug. Settings like that are like putting a super alcoholic in a bar, alone, with "free" labels and signs on all the booze. All the alcohol that guy can drink, all in one place, all free. All easily accessible. That's what the internet has become for me, for most, if not all of us. We're that alcoholic, so easily overwhelmed. My girlfriend could never understand that. That is how difficult I feel this is. I've always been a little fighter. Ever since I first saw porn in 5th grade, I always felt like it was wrong in some way. I was the first one, between the friend that showed it to me and I, to declare that what we were doing was wrong, and that we should stop. He reluctantly and slowly agreed. But I did that! At what, 11, 12 years old? I've always hated the stuff. And yet I still kept coming back for more! WE CANNOT UNDERESTIMATE IT. You can't over-estimate it. Treat porn like the plague, because that is what it is for us. That is what it has become...

So what I wanted to say was, we need forgiveness. But we also need to accept our responsibility for everything that we CAN control, and everything we DO have power over. I think I remember reading Feed the Right Wolf himself saying he's usually a goner unless he plans thoroughly ahead of time. THAT is what we CAN do, THAT is what we have power over. Because I'm sure, I've been at this for a while, and we're all the same here, but usually once we're tempted, once we're trigger, we've already lost the battle. It's done. We've lost power of our rational brains to that inner brain that tells us to lust. This planning - this preparing - this educating - this is what I haven't been doing. That's what I avoided. All the hard work necessary to get out of this. Instead I hide behind a filter, hoping it could save me from the big, bad, mean porn industry. Hoping it would be my panacea - my cure-all. Without surprise it wasn't, it didn't. No filter is perfect. Every single one has holes, and I want you all to know that. Relying on a filter is maybe good to suppress your use, maybe make it a little difficult and out of the way, just to give you one more reason to stop watching. But it is never the cure.

Alright, well, originally the plan of the day was to hang out with my girlfriend, but she doesn't want to talk to me. Which is completely fine. She responded better than I expected... I want to give her space to relax, or think, or whatever she usually does whenever I act out... It hurts me right now to think about her and to think about this entire problem in relation to her. I don't want to hurt her. Ever... yet.. it happens. I just hope she does whatever she needs to feel better today. So my new plans of the day are to do great things for myself and learn, and read, and fight against porn. It's a little weird not having the filter on my computer anymore. Honestly, I almost forgot what the normal internet looked like.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Hi AICS,

I've read this and your last journal, and I am behind you. I fully relate to what you said about society and I think a lot of addicts feel the same way. Addicts are usually sensitive, intelligent people and often turn to addictive behavior because they aren't equipped, or fail to learn how, to deal with strong emotions.

I agree with Dew that although there is so much truly negative garbage in current society, it's best to focus on US.
Remember the serenity prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Glad you pulled yourself together. This stuff is hard. In the back of my mind I'm always waiting for that next slip up. I just know that I'm going to mess up again.

I want to ask you to something. You seem to go through really intense periods. After you calm down do you find yourself eventually becoming more complacent? Then when you slip again the cycle starts over?

That's sort of what brought me back here after avoiding the site for awhile. I wouldn't say I was so intense as past occasions. It was just more of forcing myself to admit that I was taking things way too far.

I guess the problem is that I've never figured out how to break that cycle except to just give in. And I have given up at times. I think I'm trying to ask if you have any insight into this.

I'm not sure how I feel with what you've been saying about online filters. On the one hand I'm thinking dude, it's a tool, use it. On the other you're also right. Only you can figure out what the best way forward is for yourself. Just be honest with yourself.

I've said it before but I think you are really fortunate being with a girl like the one in your life. It's not just about filling so-called "needs". You really do genuinely care about each other. I hope things work out in the long run.

_________________


Reasons for quitting: shame, regret, health, fear, self respect

Thank you so much Absolution. I've seen that before, i can't remember if it was from you or FTRW, but I always just scanned over it. I was totally blind to the fact that that prayer is EXACTLY what I need right now. I'm so frustrated with the things I can't change right now, that i'm forgetting about all the things I CAN change! Such irony...

That really helps me a lot. I want to make that quote something I go by right now for a while. I want to surround myself with it. X)

DidtheDew,

This stuff IS hard. I don't know if I agree with your attitude about your recovery. I mean yes, it probably isn't too far-fetched to think that you, or any of us would slip again. Quitting cold turkey is much more far-fetched. But don't look so negatively on it! Take it one day at time. Jesus said worry only about today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. If you can get through today, great! That's all that matters. We're always so caught up worrying about the future, that we lose focus on the current day and then as a result end up slipping! The very thing we were worrying about! I can say that, it's happened to me. And even now i have a hard time actually following my own words, I'm hypocrite, but hey, that's the mark of being a human.

DidtheDew, yes, I know what you're asking. My "intense periods" are usually filled with big emotions and lots of drama-like stuff. Come on, I'm a teenager. Drama is my life according to society. And for the most part it's true. I hate to say it. Though I kinda pride myself on being one of the less dramatic teenagers.

Anyway, yes, usually drama ensues after I've acted out or something horrible has happened that makes me want to act out, or I slip in some way. When I cool down though, things get better. Maybe I do get complacent. I mean do seem VERY confident when everything is ok, almost as if I'm beckoning the sex industry just saying 'just try it, I dare ya to beat me." I guess I do get complacent here and there. I think my main issue with all of this is maintaining my sobriety. I mean maintaining the strength and determination to keep fighting. This is why I seem to bounce back with a fiery passion each time. The emotional stress from my "intense periods" charges my will to fight again. But after a few days or weeks of no slip-ups, no big problems... maybe a thought here or there... It gets hard to remember why i'm doing this. Emotions are always temporary. The pain i feel after i act out is always bound to go away, and I'm always bound to feel better, unless I had depression or something. It's not that i don't care, but it just always takes something, something more to keep me as motivated to fight as the day after i act out. Today I can say i've been good and busy with fighting porn ALL DAY. I've literally spent my day doing good things. Stretching, thinking about this, reading FTRW's articles, reading journals, posting, making my recovery plan. It's hard to maintain that level of work for me on a daily basis... I'm lazy. That's my problem. Not so much confidence or complacency.

In fact i feel like laziness is probably most people's trouble. That's why this is so hard! The sheer will-power and perseverence this task takes on a daily basis is tiring... Even sometimes boring. That's where complacency usually jumps in. If I'm lazy, I'm easily bored. I get bored by these good things I do to keep clean because I get complacent and confident that I don't need them anymore. I need something to nudge me every so often, to remind me that porn is horrible, and that I want to quit 100%, but I don't want my "nudge" to be a slip up.

I'm sorry for my long response, and it might sound like I'm just blabbering or going in circles.. you had a REALLY good question that really made me think about myself, and I never thought about what you asked before.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Alright so day 2 is looking pretty terrific.

I've decided to get serious about fighting my insomnia. I've set a regular waking hour of 6AM every morning. Really tough considering it's summer vacation and I can sleep in all I want on weekdays. I got up at 6 today, and on weekends I work, so I was up 2 hours earlier than I had to be! So in that time I got up, prayed, read some passages of the Bible on my YouVersion Bible app on my Ipod, meditated, stretched, commented on some journals, finished writing my seven bad thoughts that kept me trapped and their truths, and then read Alex's article about mini-ERP. Really helpful stuff! Then I went down to make breakfast. I love waking up early, by the end of that it was only 8AM. Still had time for whatever!

Then I went to work. It was busy today, lots of labor. Cary this, move this, tie this, sooo much. It's good though, nice exercise. I kept pretty regular contact with my girlfriend through text. I decided to prank call her last night. Since she came over yesterday, she took off the final filtering I had left on my Ipod and brought back my ability to download apps, so I got the texting app. So I texted her from my Ipod pretending to be some random person. I was also luckily given an Atlanta, Georgia number so it was faaarrr away from where we live. XD I freaked her out, but then I eventually told her it was me. I always get sooo sleepy after she comes over, I slept like a baby last night. (Even though babies wake up every two hours or so, I slept the whole night through till 6 AM.) I've jokingly decided if I ever want to sleep perfectly like that again I should kidnap her and make her live here in my house so i could always sleep well. And she could sleep with me! Not like that though. I mean I legitimately want to cuddle with her and fall asleep in each others arms! That would be the BEST! Except we're not allowed yet... still so young and so dependent and so restricted by our parents. -.- I'm getting all sappy again. XD AhhhhhH!!! ANYWAYYYY,,,, I tried to do ERP at work. I sad on big rug pile (I work at an Oriental Rug Store) and I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a tempting situation. It was me in my room, home alone, with my laptop. I tried to imagine myself horny and about to look something up. I don't knowww. I mean it kinda worked, my pulse only went up a little. Either way, I still went through all of the ERP steps.

Anyway, I got home, ate a biiiig meal... I overate. I always over-eat my mom's cooking. It's genuinely the best cooking on the planet. I watched an episode of bones while I was eating. I love Bones. XD

And here I am.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do next, I really don't know. I think I'm going to work on my current electro track... Either that or stay on here and read up on some more recovery lessons. Or watch a movie! I'm a little nervous since it seems by chance BOTH of my parents are going somewhere now and so i'll be home alone, with full internet access again. This should be interesting. I have some confidence though. It'll be the perfect time to do ERP. Now, I'll legitimately be in my room, home alone, with my unrestricted laptop. How much more tempting could it possibly get. Except I'm on full guard now so it's ok. I'll do ERP, I just hope it's more effective this time.

I'm in a relaxed mood, so actually i think I'll just watch a movie or something. Cloverfield has been on my mind lately.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Day three started and so far I've had a good/bad morning. I can say keeping up good habits and practices is getting difficult, but i'm still doing them. It's only the second day, and I already feel like I have to try much harder to do my early morning routine of praying, reading the Bible, meditating, stretching, and posting.

I did/am doing all of that, yet two areas I found particularly difficult were in getting up and meditating. I had a hard time getting out of bed today, man, I am sooo tried and sleepy. That's a really good thing, that means I can sleep better now. I slept the full night again, I am blessed! All I need to do is go to bed earlier. The other problem was I couldn't really relax during the meditation, I kept having invasive, intrusive thoughts. I was tempted really badly to watch porn. I know I wouldn't have done it, I was lying on the floor so it would have been out of the way. But still, thought kept buzzing around my mind. St that moment I tried to analyze the ABCDE's.

Activating event - Being alone in my room, laying on the floor in what I just woke up in, with my Ipod in hand, with access to the internet.

Belief - I could see really exciting things right now, and just a peek won't hurt.

Consequence - Feeling on desire, excitement, and even a little anxiety. I felt at danger of seeing things I'll regret.

Dispute - Those exciting things are poison for me, and designed to get me to keep coming back for more. One peek is enough to put my sobriety and my battle against porn in jeopardy. I know with one peek I will have those horrible, vile images buzzing around my mind all day, and I will be much more tempted to act out throughout the day.

Exercise - I finished meditating and immediately moved on to stretching, which took most if not all of my attention.

With all of that I feel pretty victorious. But my sobriety for masturbation is more difficult. I feel hopeful for giving up porn. I feel that's genuinely possible to do - for good. But masturbation i think will be an even tougher cookie. I've decided that I officially want to dramatically reduce the frequency at which I masturbate. My girlfriend told me recently that she hasn't in a month and that was so shocking yet inspiring to hear. Heck, if she can do it so can I, right? Well, I mean, I'm sort of addicting to all of the good feeling I get and everything, or I wouldn't really be here. So I was lying there trying to meditate but somehow I ended up quickly masturbating. It's annoying because i'm pretty sensitive and so just by laying there in this shorts I got an erection, and with my natural body movements and twitches it was nearly impossible to stop thinking about it. I gave in to that, which I am unhappy about. I almost feel like masturbating completely undermined the entire value of my healthy, good morning. Maybe it didn't, I mean. God uses everything bad and changes it to something good, and without this incident from happening, I might not have taken the time to think about this issue.

So now i'm really considering taking a stand against masturbation too. It may be tough, but I have to do it. Which means I might have to find something else to sleep in. Like my insanely restricting boxers. Seriously. Those things are like... Stone or something O_o

Anyway, I still had a good, productive morning. I think today I don't have to start getting ready for work until ten which is funny, cause now I have an additional 2 hours to get ready and be productive. I won't waste this time, I'll put it in for recovery. Oh, and getting ready for work.

It's funny because I try to wait off on breakfast until at least 8:30, when I usually eat it. But now that I get up at 6 every morning I'm sooo hungry by 8:00. I might just go start breakfast.

Oh, on a final note: I was really confused about what to do last night, record my 7 Thoughts That Kept Me Trapped, or watch a movie? My girlfriend and I were arguing about my ERP and stuff and we had a pretty bad time that I eventually lost time to do the recording. But it's great actually. Initially I wanted to have my girlfriend in the recording, but then I thought maybe just doing the recording ASAP would be better, so I can start listening to it ASAP. But now I realize I'd rather have a good, quality, motivation recording with my girlfriend in it than one soon. I think it'll be even more power for me if the person I love so deeply and care about also speaks to me in the recording and I listen to it every day. SO I have yet to do that, and I'll do it next time she comes over.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So I'm at work and wouldja believe it I had an unwanted encounter with porn. Like, seriously?

Alright so let me explain - in my old journal I remember posting once about how I totally caught my co-worker watching porn at work. Luckily it happened safely, I only saw the logo of the site, his body was blocking everything so I knew well what it was without seeing anything. Anyway, the next day I checked the computer history just to make sure, and sure enough there was a giant list of porn sites and stuff. I wasn't tempted to click on anything, but the descriptions and names did tempt me a little and so I did the right thing and walked away. I was laughing about the issue that time, but that was a while ago.

Today, I didn't bring my computer to work, thinking it was a great chance for me to get some reading done for school and if I needed to check up on FTRW, i could just use the work computer. So I did. I tried getting on here, except I forgot my password. I selected "log me in automatically" on my laptop cause it's easy, but I forgot my password since I didn't have to log in for a long time. So I asked this site to send an email to me with a new password and it did. So I clicked on the "new tab" button so I could go on my email, and whaddaya know... Tsk tsk tsk.

Firefox has this little tile format when you click a new tab, you have a bunch of squares with sites you saved on there and a little preview of it. So I clicked new tab and boom like 5 of those tiles were porn sites. I was horrified, cause here I am at work, trying to innocently access my email, and this comes up on the screen. Not to mention i work with my dad, and he was just out of the office with some customers. So I got a glimpse of the horror - enough to realize in my mind what it was, but not enough to actually think about it or look at it. I exited IMMEDIATELY. I was scared primarily because I didn't want anyone to see and think that I was watching it or that it was my doing. But also the first thing that popped into my head when I got the glimpse was "This is poison, run."

So I'm happy and proud of myself with how I handled that situation. But ok, i'm not low enough to watch porn at work, no no no no. but still, if I was my old, addicted self i would have stared at those tabs or something. And who knows maybe if the coast was clear I'd probably click "New Tab" again. I'm better now, above that.

I'm mad at my co-worker(s?) who did/do this. Come on, you're at work, be decent. I'm also ashamed of them, and sorry for them. I'm also shocked they haven't been caught. But that's the issue, there's a lot of free time at this job and depending on the circumstances, an individual in the office could have long periods of time completely alone. So why not, right? WRONG.

Anyway, I wanted to share that. It's a pretty funny story, I mean it's ironic. Two co-workers. One is significantly younger, admits he's addicted, and wants to quit porn forever. (Me) and the other guy is much older, and indulges in porn at work. (my co-worker)

The irony.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I just don't understand... Last night I couldn't sleep, I was thinking about my last conversation with my girlfriend and stuff and too many things. I was laying in bed I guess trying to fall asleep, but then i got an erection. It was such a bad time to get one of those!!! Ugh. The moment was so weird! I can't explain it but out of nowhere one of the most triggered feelings I ever had came on and I immediately felt powerless and in despair. I was thinking about just playing my trump card and masturbating so I could stop feeling so incredibly tempted. But then another thought popped into my head and I realized my Ipod was right next to me. This one porn star's name just kept repeating in my head over, and over, and over again. It was hellish! I was scared, but at the same time I just couldn't stop myself! It was like 12 AM at this point. Then it broke me and I gave in, I reach over for my Ipod and acted out. That time of temptation was the slowest, longest feeling time that has ever passed my life. I just don't understand. I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do and I'm feeling completely helpless. I'm scared I'll never get over this, ever...

Well I texted my girlfriend afterward when everything was done and I was calm to tell her that it happened. I haven't received a reply since I texted her last night at 12:30ish. I expected this response... Silence. It really kills me. It's the worst thing she could do probably. But I welcome it. I really do. In moments like these nowadays I'm more scared of talking to her anyway. She needs time and space. And maybe sometime she'll talk to me again...


Hey guys, one question. Really think deeply about this one - have any of you ever noticed the times when you've acted out? I mean, I've noticed that I always end up failing in the most RIDICULOUS times ever. Like this week I had three days planned with my girlfriend, that we'll see together, and then this happens. I don't even know if she'll even want to anymore.. But like - before too! Every time something great and amazing was about to happen, this happens just before!! I'm so SICK of it! It's like the devil is playing games with me or something. Just toying with me, trying to tell me I'm his bitch or something. SCREW him. I hate him. I hate this and everything. I hate how these failures are always so "conveniently" placed before the supposed-to-be-best-moments-of-my-life...

Honestly I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm thinking really radical things right now and I don't want to think about it now or say anything..

Oh, also, I spent the entire day writing a song for my girlfriend. I learned the chords of a song I like by ear, and i wrote my own song regarding porn-addiction and my sorrow using the same melody. It's really nice... I'm in the practicing stages, trying to perfect singing and playing it at the same time.

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Oh, I forgot to mention it's day one.

-sigh- I just want to make it at least this two coming weeks. I want to make it through all of these good days. I'm hoping to go to the beach with my girlfriend next weekend. That can be my reward or something.

But i can't believe it! Even with all this pain I feel, I feel so freaking tempted. What kind of sick, twisted thing is this??? I feel so tempted and ARGHH!! HOW does that even work????? I'm leavingm y computer to go play piano and practice this song for my girlfriend again. I'm so bothered right now. Thoughts are racing, images are just popping up in my mind every time I close my eyes or blink. It's horrifying. I need helppppp....

_________________
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I can completely sympathize since I am going through a similar period myself. It's almost like sailing through fog, sometimes my mind is completely engulfed by pornographic thoughts and other times it is blissfully clear. You just have to weather the storm. I saw that you posted in a journal that you were thinking about taking a break from the site. Personally I don't post every day as you might have noticed but I read posts everyday. Occasionally I spend a week or more away, some of my best streaks came while I was away, but I make sure I come back, I think a mix is most advantageous so you don't settle into a rhythm which leads to complacency ( we all know how bad complacency is!). But the major thing is whether I stay away or not how I deal with triggers is most important. Just my 2¢ .

_________________