Feed the Right Wolf

My name is David and I've been a porn addict for over 20+ years. I’m probably in the same boat as other guys my generation – as a preteen I started out with lingerie catalogs, to the random Playboys of my dad that I found and anything else I could get my hands on. I loved the rush and excitement of finding something new, doing something I was not supposed to be and pleasuring myself to the fantasy of the exotic girls and thrilling scenes. Never really feeling ashamed of it, I turned into a collector and gathered magazines, video tapes, sex toy catalogs and whatever else that turned me on.

While this was all exciting and fun, I never had a problem – or at least I didn’t think I had a problem – of controlling my behavior and enjoying real interactions with women. But then came internet porn. I was thrown into the early internet days at college and anything I wanted was just a click away. And I mean anything – the internet was fairly un-moderated up through the late nineties, so I explored everything. I would spend hours a day in my room finding more and more pictures and videos to satiate my desire. Looking back, I can see why I had such few girlfriends and lower self-confidence. Although, at the time, I just felt like it was a normal reaction to being in a new environment at an awkward age.

College was very busy with sports, academics and social obligations that I could never get fully lost in my addiction. And that addiction was not as strong as it is now. Upon graduation and the eventual adaptation to high-speed internet, my desires grew stronger as my will power eroded. I spent days and nights collecting and sharing porn until I was raw – mentally and physically. Sometimes sessions would last for full days into the night only to lead to stronger urges to do the same the next day. My life outside of porn was bland and boring. Porn on the other hand felt safe, exciting and fulfilling. I don’t know if I was escaping depression or creating it with the powerful addiction in me, but the vicious cycle ensued.

The scary part was that I was turning to more extreme porn – sometimes illegal subjects – but it was what I needed to get that fix. ‘Normal women’ and ‘normal situations’ was not turning me on. Often I would feel so guilty, that I would delete all my pictures, videos, remove contact info of my internet porn ‘buddies’ whom I would trade with, deactivate email accounts and memberships to porn related websites and blogs. This cold-turkey abstinence would work for a while, but I would eventually succumb to the same habits and rebuild. My sense of denial grew as I rationalized that I was doing nothing wrong – in fact I fell under the illusion that masturbation was better than real sex since it was free of STDs and didn’t affect anyone else because there was no relationship to mess up.

I still continued to pursue real relationships, although I often felt that masturbation was better than sex. The fantasies would turn me on more and my erections and orgasms were that much more fulfilling. I also started acting out on these darker desires - craigslist ads, swinger and escort sites were regular stops on my porn binges and gave an easy outlet to exploring my porn behaviors in the real world. I consider myself straight, but I started watching porn that was against my previous desires and I found pleasure in it. I even sought outlets to explore these feelings further despite prior aversions. I know this can be completely normal as people experiment and find new areas of pleasures as one matures. However, when I explored these new desires in the real world, I was surprised at how turned-off I was. Was it just a learned behavior from porn over-exposure or were these real feelings? I started to think it was the former.

I think back to the movie Clockwork Orange by Stanley Kubrick (I never read the book by Anthony Burgess) in which the protagonist was subjected to aversion therapy to subdue his ‘ultraviolent’ behavior. (Aversion therapy is a form of psychological treatment in which the patient is exposed to a stimulus while simultaneously being subjected to some form of discomfort. This condition is intended to cause the patient to associate the stimulus with unpleasant sensations in order to stop the specific behavior.) Could constant porn exposure be similar in the sense that one could be conditioned via images and physical pleasures to change one’s normal disposition and behaviors – behavior modification? I'm sure plenty has been written on this subject of behavior therapy.

In any event, no matter how I got to this place, I’m now realizing that I need to reverse my addiction. I have since developed a serious relationship and other responsibilities where I cannot have porn preside. It’s not fair to the people that I love and I am cutting myself short in what I can achieve and feel good about. I need to stop. I need to change the way my brain enhances the pleasures from porn and redirect those feelings to more healthy outlets. I owe it to myself.
I found this website, FeedTheRightWolf.org, a few months ago and have been coming back here every once in a while to read some inspiration. I have since taken up mindfulness meditation (although not as aggressive or consistent as I should be with it) and started to exercise more and eat healthier. Instead of putting myself in situations where I would be tempted to turn on the laptop to peruse porn and masturbate, I have tried to distract myself with other activities. A low point of being caught by my girlfriend with porn was enough to jolt me into reality. I’m lucky she didn’t see what kind of porn it was or I would be somewhere else now. I never want to take that chance again. It’s not worth it.

So here I am, writing my story to alleviate my uphill battle toward a healthier mind and to also inspire the next person to take that step to better oneself. I know it will be difficult and I know I will have times of failure. But I also know that this is an unnecessary evil in my life and I look forward to a life free from the control of porn addiction. I’m calling my mission a non-negotiable.

Hi David
Welcome to the site. Good start. You here now but as you are very well aware of, you have a lot of programming to unwire.
For starters I would recommend that you search your soul and get all the reasons you have for quitting and putting them somewhere where you can see them easily.
Then cut off the internet as much as possible. e.g. Mobile phone with now internet access.
A web filter needs to be installed on your computer.
Then the biggest thing is to start training your mind to not THINK about porn/sex/fantisize and so on.
Thinking about it will only lead to viewing porn.

Absolution has also come a long way and if I were you read some journals of those that are succeeding, like his.
It can be done, but it takes a huge amount of effort, especially if you have gone into extreme stuff.
Your brain needs to reboot
Try and get as much information about this problem as possible.
e.g. go to www.yourbrainonporn.com
Read books on quitting addictions.
Fight like a crazy Tiger man!
You can do it!

Peter

Hey David
Whats up? Hows recovery?
Peter

Thanks for checking in, Peter. The recovery is going well. Going on 6 weeks (6/29/12) and no slip ups yet - although I still think about it a lot. But I'm sure it gets easier the longer you abstain and really realize the benefits. I do notice that I'm a little more focused and motivated. And the strong desires to log on and peruse porn has subsided a bit. I also think that my libido outside of masturbation has gotten stronger and I'm more into having sex with my girlfriend. So hopefully I can stick with it and see even more benefits.

I haven't continued with meditation as I had planned. But I have taken up yoga and started working out more, which has helped. I think it's more the motivation of performing better at work and improving the relationship with my girlfriend has been what has inspired me. I also came to grips that I was using porn as an escape from my life. I recently lost my mother, moved to a foreign city with few friends and I'm having a hard time finding a good job. So knowing that has been a huge motivator to deal with life instead of ignoring the problems. I'm hoping to speak with a therapist soon to help do just that. So far, so good.

Thanks for the support.

Good Going....6 Weeks is Excellent...Brillian Stuff.....Don't Let Thue Guard Down...because the Only Way is the Way Forward....God Help US...

Hi David,

I have had a long struggle with porn addiction too, and wish you all the best in your journey. 6 weeks is good. And if you believe in yourself, it will soon be 7, 8, 9.....and on and on. Just keep on doing what you're doing.

For me, the longer I have been porn free, the better I have felt. Counselling does actually work. I wish that I had sought counselling at the begining of my addiction. But that was part of my problem - i never acknowledged I had an addiction. My counsellor is fantastic. I was filled with apprehension before I first saw him. I didn't know how he would react to a porn addict. I felt disgusted with myself so naturally asumed a counsellor would be disgusted with me too. He wasn't. He listened to why I was there, didn't judge and gave me tremendous help on my journey to recovery. As I mentioned in my other posts, I have also been supported by my wife. I can't begin to say how much this has meant to me. After years of living with a porn addict, she has shown such strength and love that at times I feel truly overwhemed. I know I hurt her, repeatedly. But I feel the love we have between us now is growing stronger by the day.

Its good that you have a relationship to focus on too. That will help. Just imagine how your new partner would feel if you were using porn. I have an image of the upset and hurt on my wifes' face, and I use that to help me. I don't ever want to see her as hurt or as low as that again. The longer too that I have been porn free, the worse I feel about how I was. Today for example, whilst at work, I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness, disgust and self loathing. I was imagining what my colleagues, friends and family would think about me if they knew about my addiction. It's something I find hard to shake. I don't feel it every day, but enough. I like to think that by how I feel on those occasions, I am getting an insight into how I was making my wife feel. I know I can never, ever change what I did in the past, and if I could I would in a heartbeat.

Don't give up David. Look forward and enjoy what life has to offer. You can stop your addiction and you can learn to be happier with yourself. Hope you can use some of my experiences positively,

Mr Ant

_________________
Porn free since Sunday July 17th, 2011.
You can do it, believe in yourself!!!

Mr. Ant-

Thanks for your words of encouragement. They meant a lot.

I also have that vision of my girlfriend grabbing my iphone out of my hands suspecting me of looking at porn. I ripped it violently out of her hands ashamed of what I was doing. She never saw what I was looking at - but that look of sadness, confusion and pain on her face is what helps fuel my abstinence. I would hate to hurt her again like that. There is absolutely no reason for it.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey as well. Thanks again.

-FA