Stayed sober by ditching some excuses today. It helped to have my therapist totally agree with how damaging stupid beliefs and rationalizations can be and it made me realize that I let OCD guide a lot of my actions (looking at porn, playing too many video games, worrying about and trying to control little things, all the stupid rituals I was doing after slips etc.) It doesn't matter what my brain tells me, I am completely happy with my life as it is and I don't need to do any of these things to make me feel better, I just to need trust God that I am the way I am for a reason and that these vices don't make me feel whole, they just annoy me.
Here are some excuses I was thinking about today that I defeated with truth:
- well, you are probably going to cave in sooner or later, so you might as well act out today.
- your last time was especially shameful, you can't go through life thinking about that as your last time. You should just go on a softcore site for a bit just to say you quit porn on the right terms.
- You are never going have amazing sex with tons of hot girls like in the videos; live it up and watch some videos of threesomes or orgys because otherwise you will never experience it.
-you made it a whole week without looking at porn, give yourself a reward and browse around.
And here is the TRUTH
It doesn't matter how many times I have acted out or even if I act out again in the future: I can make today a sober today. I can rewire my brain by turning away from porn today, and that small bit of progress will add up each day I stay sober.
I no longer feel toxic shame for acting out--I have a chemical dependency and am doing everything I can to free myself from it. It doesn't matter what site I was on or what I did or for how long: acting out is acting out. All I want to do is get completely abstinent regardless of whatever happens to be the last time, which I have no control of. I'll let God decide that for me.
Threesomes and orgys are forms of promiscuity that are glorified in videos, but are in truth unsatisfying because they are acts of lust and not love. Humans are capable of and are designed to fall deeply in love with a single person, and the best sex is that which is supported by real love (something I've heard numerous people attest to). I look forward to telling my future wife that I have never engaged in a promiscuous act such as this, and that she is the only person I would ever want to have sex with.
The best reward is sobriety. Why would I make myself feel awful by binging to pornography for hours and breaking sobriety and backtracking on my recovery? Wouldn't the best way to celebrate a sober week to say a prayer and thank God for helping me stay sober? Another good way to celebrate is to enjoy a good snack and listen to some music. That makes a lot more sense to me.
Man it feels good to write all this out. I think I am finally starting to get it. Although still I typed in a porn site earlier to see if it still worked--a poor decision to say the least. But luckily, it doesn't work now, I think it was shut down for trading/hacking passwords to porn sites. This is fortunate for me because it eliminates a middle circle behavior for me of browsing passwords without going on the sites themselves. I guess I am still curious about porn and it still has an affect on me. Oh well, just gotta make it one day at a time.