Feed the Right Wolf

Day 2. Felt really sober all day until just now, having some thoughts and need to do some ERP and have a snack. But I stuck to my routine and let God do the rest: I got up at a decent hour, prayed, did my morning practice, got outside and exercised, and made a phone call to an SAA member. Whenever I do these things, the cravings are weaker, and the one craving I did have I was able to beat it by remembering how there is never a need to check out a porn site ever. My brain tries to tell me that there will be something new there, but that's a lie--every video is the same, it's just people getting paid to have sex and it's never going to be that interesting.

Looking forward to another sober day tomorrow.

Made it 4 days with no porn or masturbation. My goal is to eventually go 30 days and let my brain reboot to where I can occasionally masturbate without degrading fantasies. I am still not sure if this is possible but I hope I can masturbate in a healthy way eventually, once the obsessive sexual thinking has subsided. For now though, it is all about taking it one day at a time and sticking to the routine.

Many things I cannot control, such as other people and environmental triggers. I need to let go of trying to control those things, and worry about the things I can control. As they say in SAA, "let go and let God." For me, this means just focusing on working the program and leaving the results to my higher power. So today, I had my morning prayer and practice session, texted a friend, talked to another on the phone and made plans for this weekend, went to see my therapist this afternoon, and am now journaling. If I end up acting out tonight, then so be it, I took care of the things I needed to and I am happy for that. Hopefully though, I will be ready to make a healthy choice if cravings occur.

Really bad relapse the past 24 hours: lots of binging and masturbation to all sorts of stuff. Once again though I was able to avoid self-loathing and beating myself up--and boy did I want to. These are the kinds of relapses where I would normally sink into depression, or write a long post about how hopeless this all is, or go on a rant and complain about ERP not working etc. But I know better now, I just went 5 days with no slips and know I can certainly do it again starting tomorrow. I am making progress and keeping my faith in God to see me through this, and I know that all of the tools are just ways of giving up my will to God. Like Alex said, it will take time and persistence using a number of methods, there is no single method to recovery.

So I am staying positive, that's all I can do for today is keep believing and moving forward.

Day 1 went well. I got out and spent time with my friends, did my morning routine, and stayed hopeful about my recovery. I cannot expect this addiction to go away all at once--it will take time and persistence to overcome it. Every time I make a healthy choice (prayer, ERP, calling a friend etc.) I take one step in the right direction--I turn my will over to the care of God every time I choose recovery over addiction. I chose recovery today even though I did have some urges to look at pornography--I did type in a website but it didn't work and then I just closed the internet browser and did some breathing.

My last slip is probably going to be sometime in the future, but I think my last instance of self-loathing and despair is behind me. I trust that God will guide me toward being a better person, and while I still have a lot of growth to do, I feel confident that I will no longer beat myself up after a slip and get all hopeless. There are too many wonderful things to be grateful for to react this way ever again. Hopefully tomorrow will bring more success.

Had a busy day and stayed sober. As usual, I do well when I get out of the house and do something. But it also means I tend to slack on my ERP practice since I am preoccupied with other stuff--I don't feel like stopping and imagining a trigger when I'm having a good day, but hopefully I can remember to make time to practice, I'll need it one of these days. I wonder if I should take a break from counting days and just try to have a good month of August. Honestly, it's not gonna be a perfect month, but I can still make it a good month and minimize my acting out. I mean, I used to look at porn once a day for a total of maybe 30 times a month. This last month had a lot of relapses but compared to my old life, 8 times a month doesn't seem so bad. So my goal for August isn't to be perfect, but to make progress and have as few slips as possible.

Hi James,

I'm so glad you're still here, still striving to move forward. Keep it up, brother. Long live the resistance.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Thanks Ab, it's worth the fight that's for sure. Every now and then I have a great day and just get a brief glimpse of what sobriety feels like--it would be amazing to feel that way more consistently.

Haven't looked at any porn since Friday, and haven't looked any hardcore stuff since Thursday, so I am nearing a week once again. This summer has already been better than last summer--this is my second time in the last month that I just about reached a week. Last summer I acted out every 2-4 days the entire time except for one 5 day streak. I have been learning to compare myself with my old self rather than compare my progress with others. There's no point lamenting how every one else seems to routinely make it 30 days or whatever, when I haven't gone that long without porn in years.

Candeo talks about being kind to yourself and treating yourself with respect before you can really treat others with respect. If I am going to have a normal life, embrace Christ and love others, get married and have a family, and engage with the world in the right way, I need to be gentle to myself first and foremost. When I feel better about myself, I notice that other people tend to react positively to be, like they can sense my positive energy and therefore enjoy being around me. Come to think of it, those are the people I like most--positive people who have a good attitude about life.

Today I almost slipped. and definitely found myself fantasizing and objectifying women on facebook. But I did some breathing and God just stopped me in my tracks. I immediately began seeing the women as real people and lost any desire to objectify them. Gotta keep up the pace, stay focused on staying sober, and forget about the awful things that have happened in the past. The first part of my Candeo creed reads: "It doesn't matter what has happened in the past, I can make today a good day." As long as I keep that in mind this week, I'll be ok.

Stayed sober by ditching some excuses today. It helped to have my therapist totally agree with how damaging stupid beliefs and rationalizations can be and it made me realize that I let OCD guide a lot of my actions (looking at porn, playing too many video games, worrying about and trying to control little things, all the stupid rituals I was doing after slips etc.) It doesn't matter what my brain tells me, I am completely happy with my life as it is and I don't need to do any of these things to make me feel better, I just to need trust God that I am the way I am for a reason and that these vices don't make me feel whole, they just annoy me.

Here are some excuses I was thinking about today that I defeated with truth:

- well, you are probably going to cave in sooner or later, so you might as well act out today.
- your last time was especially shameful, you can't go through life thinking about that as your last time. You should just go on a softcore site for a bit just to say you quit porn on the right terms.
- You are never going have amazing sex with tons of hot girls like in the videos; live it up and watch some videos of threesomes or orgys because otherwise you will never experience it.
-you made it a whole week without looking at porn, give yourself a reward and browse around.

And here is the TRUTH

It doesn't matter how many times I have acted out or even if I act out again in the future: I can make today a sober today. I can rewire my brain by turning away from porn today, and that small bit of progress will add up each day I stay sober.

I no longer feel toxic shame for acting out--I have a chemical dependency and am doing everything I can to free myself from it. It doesn't matter what site I was on or what I did or for how long: acting out is acting out. All I want to do is get completely abstinent regardless of whatever happens to be the last time, which I have no control of. I'll let God decide that for me.

Threesomes and orgys are forms of promiscuity that are glorified in videos, but are in truth unsatisfying because they are acts of lust and not love. Humans are capable of and are designed to fall deeply in love with a single person, and the best sex is that which is supported by real love (something I've heard numerous people attest to). I look forward to telling my future wife that I have never engaged in a promiscuous act such as this, and that she is the only person I would ever want to have sex with.

The best reward is sobriety. Why would I make myself feel awful by binging to pornography for hours and breaking sobriety and backtracking on my recovery? Wouldn't the best way to celebrate a sober week to say a prayer and thank God for helping me stay sober? Another good way to celebrate is to enjoy a good snack and listen to some music. That makes a lot more sense to me.

Man it feels good to write all this out. I think I am finally starting to get it. Although still I typed in a porn site earlier to see if it still worked--a poor decision to say the least. But luckily, it doesn't work now, I think it was shut down for trading/hacking passwords to porn sites. This is fortunate for me because it eliminates a middle circle behavior for me of browsing passwords without going on the sites themselves. I guess I am still curious about porn and it still has an affect on me. Oh well, just gotta make it one day at a time.

Good job James, i have to say you've come a long ways since you started here.
You are demonstrating a lot of maturity.
Just think of the time you've saved by not viewing that filth, and how much cleaner your mind is becoming by ridding it of disgusting thoughts all the time.

Living in the real world is better than a fantasy world.

_________________
Breathe deeply. Turn off the tv and internet when home alone. Read and watch nature scenes or get out of the house.

Porn ruins marriages, wastes valuable time.

I will regain my self-respect if I walk away.

Get a life. Read, gym, hobby.

Day 1. Somehow I acted out last night despite writing a really solid, truthful journal entry. I didn't have a really strong urge, just a minor curiosity to check out a site which slowly became more powerful and I couldn't do ERP to stop myself. But I only acted out one time and not for that long--certainly not a binge session. Still, it is disappointing considering I felt pretty good during the day and it really hit me by surprise.

The lesson to remember is that regardless of how the day went, or what I write in my journal, or how I am feeling at the time, I am always capable of relapsing. The fact is, I was writing in my journal alone at night using an unfiltered computer, which is never a good idea. The good news, is that this makes almost of a month of not beating myself up and self-loathing--I think my last sad/hopeless entry was back on July 1st in response to a bad binge at the end of June. Honestly I don't think I'll ever have get down on myself like that ever again. I have way too many things to be grateful for in my life: a relationship with God, my wonderful family and friends, a career I enjoy, good health etc.

Tomorrow I am downloading Net Nanny to see if it is a more effective filter than K9. It's not free but it has a lot more options and could make a difference in my recovery. My therapist agreed that an internet filter, though it won't help change my brain chemistry, can certainly help during times when I have a really intense craving and am am unable to immediately reach out for help. Time to get right back to work on recovery and living a healthy life.