Feed the Right Wolf

thank you for your reply. i do now understand that looking any kind of porn or sexy girls and getting that dopamine rush is a relapse even with out masturbation. i did know that looking at images or video will eventually lead me to caving in but i didnt realize that simply viewing it was in essence a relapse in itself. but i need some sort of better gameplan..im struggling to pass 2 weeks.

Hi Subpad,

I'm glad you understand; for most addicts, just looking at pornography and actually masturbating to it do pretty much the same amount of damage. As far as a plan, have you looked into having another person be your admin for filters? This is usually pretty effective.

Your friend,
Absolution.

_________________
Sobriety Date: October 25, 2011
"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."
-Rabindranath Tagore

my filters passwords are setup with an email i made just for the filters..i disregarded that email account and the complicated passwords i made for both the filters and the emails. i also set my computers admin password to a complicated one i cannot remember because there is a file on ur computer u can delete to delete the k9 filter. but it is a system folder and u need ur admin password to delete it. i dont have any of these passwords. but with the macbook osx cd u can re set admin password and thus delete that one system file that will disable k9. so finnaly i threw out my osx cd. now there is no way for me to remove the filters without really messing up my computers. that isssue has been an on going battle with myself. but if u spend enough time u can always find sites/forums/torrents that are undetected by the filters. but as it is now my filters hold up great against instant access to most stuff.

i think there is a grey area as to what a relapse is. i agree if your goal to quit porn/masturbation then viewing porn and or masturbation is obviously a relapse. but sexual addiction is the broader issue...that being said..i think the actual relapse is the rush of dopamine we get from these situations. so in a way its the rush of dopamine that is the relapse. so ..wouldnt sexual images/unwanted thoughts and fantasies that also rush dopamine levels also be considered a relapse of sorts? also sexually arrousing dreams? random women i see on the street that arrouse me? seeing regular attractive women in regular situations on t.v/magazines/internet??..and just now i found a file in my downloads folder that was from my most recent full on binge relapse. it was a known clip i have seen befor. i tried to open it knowing what it was. it was incomplete so it couldnt be opened. i tried several ways to open it to no avail and in the process i observed the same kind of feeling. i didnt see any images/no video ..nothing..just an error. but i felt that almost sick type feeling when blood is rushing and dopamine is soaring. so isnt this too some kind of a relapse?..ive been basically counting relapses as the days where i actually cave in and masturbate/climax. and i count the day as one relapse because its always a binge. and ive done that about 40 times since january first 2012. this is not counting all the countless times ive had the urge/rush of dopamine just from being arroused by a trigger. i know this is allot of questioning but if anyone has any way to help clear this up it would be greatly appreciated. because for me..triggers/urges/arrousal all seem like some form of relapse. does this make any sense?
regards,
sub

anyway from most recent fall.im on day 2 without any viewing of porn and or masturbation. feeling slightly better than day 1

day 3 . totally clean. slight urges/anxiety flashes but nothing too bad. time to set some real goals for the summer and the task of the free time that looms on summer vacation

also. there is this woman i had secret relations with and in the past we arranged this skype video thing. even though i had been heavily dosed with extreme/hardcore porn i would get extremely aroused when we would have our explicit video chats. when i started my quest to cut off porn i cut all relations with her also. seeing that i had a girlfriend at the time it was wrong anyway..but now i have filters that hold up pretty good on the browsers. but on skype i often find myself typing her name in i get very arroused almost uncontrollable..it feels like im relapsing when im just typing her name in. i can feel the blood rushing/dry mouth/heartbeating..dopamine rush.. is this considereed a relpase?..again any insight on my last couple of posts will be greatly appreciated..are all of these heavy rushes/urges considered a relapse even tho there is no porn or any visual and no masturbation. simply thoughts and or attempts to check/see things but actually not seeing anything but still being heavily arroused. seems very similar to the feeling when i actually relapse and see porn...anyway..im still clean day 3

subpad, I am no expert on this, so I would be interested in hearing others' opinions also. I have read that urges and the craving such as you have described come from your subconscious which has been rewired to seek porn. It may take a relatively long time ( a couple of years maybe ) before these urges and cravings will stop occurring. That these urges and cravings occur, sometimes triggered by "normal" events like seeing a beautiful woman on the street or watching some ad on TV, is therefore, in my opinion, not a relapse. It is a relapse only when you give in to these cravings and act out in a binge.
It is great that you are sensing the dopamine rush and the shortness of breath when you see a trigger. By becoming aware you can fight it. Remember, if you just fight it for half an hour, it will go away. Just tell yourself to fight it for half an hour.... then another half an hour, then another. Good luck to you and to me: I hope this has helped you a little.

thanks. yea the half an hour things really does work wonders. there was a point where i felt a strong compulsion to see porn and masturbate. and i still experience these kind of anxious feelings usually around the 3~5 clean day mark or just prior to a relapse. i get full of anxiety and uncertainty like i need porn/masturbation just to calm my nerves and assure myself of i dont know what. i often need to tell my self.. theses feelings are very un natural. because the way my mind has been rewired/desensitized/hyper stimulated/hyper sexualized..in the natural world i would never be exposed to these kinds of extreme stimulation for several hours daily..for years. so naturally i would never have these intense urges/cravings/constant sexualizations of everything. i mean for one you can not crave something you have never been exposed to. when im in a bad place my mind is sexualizing everything all the time and these urges pop up at moment im bored/tired/stressed/frustrated/siting idle/working at the computer/online/trying to sleep..etc..not to mention all the cues and triggers i see on the daily in japan. basically for me its a battle i face not just everyday but several times a day. but i have to understand..i was watching extreme/hardcore porn for hours and masturbating several times every day. it makes sense that my body/mind is dependent on the does and schedule of those chemicals/stimulations.

day 4 clean
feeling shakey/anxious/uncomfortable/irratable/and constantly feeling urges..
but as always i will push on stay busy and fight to continue to stay clean!!

regards sub

day 5 relapse binge day. the binge was not as heavy as some but it has really sent me off in to an anxious depression. i damn near tears lastnite asking god for help. im not even religious in anyway. i actually didnt even really look at porn. i binged out on masturbation only.. maybe 10 minutes of flicking threw small thumbnail images and then ended up checking craigslist personals just befor bed..i really see this as a sickness. i dont feel sexually healthy. i feel ill. is this more serious than i think or is it just me over reacting? i know i have improved allot but i think the real sickness/heavy emotions/demons really come out when fighting off this addiction. when i was heavily dosed with porn every day i rreally didnt have all these issues with stress/anxiety/depression. now its a nightmare..i can never return to porn. shit i cannot even look at craigslist. compulsion somehow makes me feel like disasterous things will happen if i dont cave in. like i need to cave in to control myself. the addictive mind is extremely powerful and really wont stop at anything to have me cave in. im realizing now..alot of downtime/alone time/online time is really killing me. my girlfriend being gone is killing me. i was fighting back so much better with her her. she didnt know everything but she knew alot. she really helped me stand up and it seems when im left to fight this alone im falling down too frequently..

all this being said. i will stand up and i will fight back..my birthday is comming up and i will be 32 soon. i hit rock bottom when i hit 31 and spent 2012 trying to get right and kick this. ive relapsed so many times.heavy binge relapses where i may masturbate over 10 times in a day. if i count all the actual times ive masturbated over my fighting back period it probably averages out to 2~3 times a day. which doesnt seem like an improvement so i count a relapse as 1 day. and a clean day as 1 day..but shit. even alot of my "clean" days ive peeked at stuff. really dont know what to do. so i can only do as i feel deep down. that is to get up dust myself off start over and keep fighting.

and most importantly. god bless all of you on here reading and commenting. this is my only true outlet to vent on this issue.i havent even explained all the details of my addiction/thoughts/compulsions out of shame even as an unknown person on the internet.just shameful and very embarassing. but i do know the fact that im assahmed and guilty (of some of the things ive viewed/gotten arroused by etc..) means that deep down im not comfortable with it and its a bad habit of behavior. i know im not alone but i sure seems like it sometimes. again.. blessing to all of you..
i will stay strong
sub